The 7 ADAPTIVE PATTERNS

MORE ABOUT EACH ADAPTIVE PATTERN:

The Overachiever

The Overachiever pattern is the perfectionist of the group. It tells us that if we ever achieve enough external success, we would be worthy of acceptance and love, but moves the bar higher at every step. The overachiever overthinks, overanalyzes, and becomes protective of their identification with their achievements. May cause us to struggle with procrastination from perfection paralysis or even experience imposter syndrome.

Overachiever

The Healer

The Healer pattern is a caretaker, a rescuer, a protector. They give us the task of trying to fix other people's problems or tending to others’ needs, even if it means neglecting our own. They give love and affection freely and feel a strong compulsion to make others happy, but can cause us to shy away from seeing our worth.

Fixer Details

Some common struggles and symptoms of the Fixer pattern include:

Difficulty saying "no" to others
Feeling overwhelmed and burnt out
Neglecting self-care and personal goals
Resentment towards others for not reciprocating their help
Difficulty establishing healthy boundaries
Feeling overwhelmed and stressed by others' demands and expectations
Neglecting one's own needs and desires in order to help others
Difficulty saying no to others and establishing healthy boundaries
Feeling resentful towards others for not reciprocating help or support
Struggling to prioritize self-care and personal goals

In their careers, the Fixer may struggle to establish healthy boundaries with clients or colleagues, leading to burnout and resentment. They may also find it difficult to prioritize their own needs and desires, and may struggle to assert themselves in their career or personal life.

Strengths:

Fixers are exceptionally giving, generous individuals. They’re willing to drop whatever they’re working on to tend to the needs of the others, and are often duty driven and feel a strong need to make sure that everyone else is okay, even if it’s at the cost of themselves. Unlike The Commander, they do not shift responsibilities to others but take on more personal work than needed. They’re often harder working than others, especially at work, and are less likely to fight for credit. In some cases, they’ll even take on the tasks of others self-sacrificially, and ask for little in return.

Shadows:

Fixers are white knights or white nurses and they thrive from being in service, but the shadow side of this pattern is that they often feel like they’re unworthy UNLESS they’re serving others. This is when the pattern turns against us, because it starts to stem from a place of undeserving or a “give to get” pattern. This is sometimes a “give to get” pattern, in which we silently hope that our contributions will be acknowledged and reciprocated. When the unspoken (and un-agreed-upon) contract remains unfulfilled, this could lead to feelings of resentment.

Often we do this specifically in a state of self-sacrifice and self-abandonment, which adds to the significance of the act. Often comes from the belief that they are only good when they are in service to others, and not unconditionally lovable. Sometimes the contributions are uninvited or even imposed on others who have not asked for help.

To a fixer working from the shadow, the invisible rule is that “If I take care of your needs, then you’ll need me, and will appreciate me over time”. When that appreciation doesn’t arrive, however, either because they never explicitly were asked to be in service or because their recipient does not recognize the value provided, the Fixer often feels resentful or betrayed, because the unspoken contract is unmet.

Invisible Rules:

“If I sacrifice myself to give you what you want, then you must give me what I want in return.”
“I may not be enough, but if I’m providing enough to others, then I’ll be seen as worthy of acceptance.”
“If I’m needed, then it doesn’t matter if I’m not wanted.”

The Chameleon

The Chameleon pattern teaches us to shapeshift to fit in. It's the “nice guy/nice girl" pattern, and causes us to avoid confrontation.

The Chameleon pattern teaches us to adapt our personality and behavior to fit in with those around them. This is often seen as conforming to the other person’s desires or actions at the sacrifice of our own needs and values. In some cases, they may even cause us to mirror others in their speech, their mannerisms, or even their beliefs. "No" doesn't exist in the Chameleon pattern's dictionary.

Chameleon Details

Some common struggles and symptoms of the Chameleon pattern include:

Feeling a strong need for “permission” to make decisions
Difficulty saying “no” to others
Difficulty taking leadership or delegating
Feeling like one doesn't have a strong sense of self or identity
Difficulty expressing one's preferences or feeling like they lack preferences
Feeling like one has to conform to others' expectations to be accepted
Struggles with making major decisions, or even minor ones
Feeling like they don't know who they are
Feeling like they have to conform to others' expectations to be accepted
Difficulty establishing authentic connections with others
Fear of rejection or conflict

Positives:

In the positive, chameleons are easy to get along with. They rank high on the agreeable scale and rarely says “no” to others. They’re easygoing, often capable of seeing both sides of conflicts, and rarely get caught up in drama (unless they’ve chosen to be MORE agreeable to one side than another). Chameleons are incredibly empathetic and can read the needs of whoever they’re with well. They are able to adapt their mannerisms to match the scenario and have a strong ability to fit in in multiple settings and social gatherings because they’re quick to adapt. In relationships, they are deeply inquisitive as to what their partner wants and will strive to “become” that person, either by using similar word choices or performing the role.

Shadow:

The Chameleon is a pattern of self-sabotage where an individual adapts their personality to fit in with others. This pattern may arise from a childhood where the individual felt like they didn't fit in with their family or peer group, or from a fear of rejection or conflict.

In their careers, the Chameleon may struggle to develop a sense of identity and self-worth. They may also find it difficult to establish authentic connections with others, as they may fear rejection if they show their true selves. This can lead to feelings of loneliness and disconnection.

This could come from a past in which we learned that being ourselves did not lead to belonging or safety, or when our authentic expressions are met with rejection or pushback. Often there is this feeling of “if I become whoever it is you want, I will be loved and safe.” This pattern often stems from a desire to belong and feel accepted and a rejection of our core self, or fear that our authentic selves is not enough. In some cases, this leads to hero worship and villainization.

Invisible Rules:

“I can shapeshift into whoever you like, or whoever people need me to be. My own true self doesn’t matter, and in exchange, I’ll be loved and accepted.”

The Charmer

The Charmer pattern is a master at keeping others entertained and happy. They teach us to be the life of the party, always ready with a joke, and remain happy and carefree, or at least ready with a self-deprecating joke so others know not to take us too seriously. The Charmer will never inconvenience others with their problems or unhappy emotions, because they never seem to exist.

Charmer Details

The Rebel

The Rebel pattern is the challenger, the outsider, and is always ready with sword and shield to get us into a fight. The rebel reactively pushes back against others, disagreeing with others first, even when they don't fully believe it. By never agreeing with others, they don't have to play by their rules so they can avoid being wrong. Often goes to criticism or attempts to correct others FIRST, sometimes even before proper evaluation.

Rebel Details

The Commander

The Commander pattern pushes us to take control of situations and often micromanage others. They may create a fear of failure and feel like they have to be in control in order to succeed, but may also struggle with delegation and trusting others. The Commander believes that if we can control other people’s actions sufficiently, we can finally bring safety and success. Operates by a strong set of invisible rules that is imposed on others, even when others haven’t agreed to the rules or the hidden contract.

Commander Details

The Invisible One

The Invisible One's pattern is not on the map because it pushes us to stay safe by not being seen. Takes humbleness to an extreme by refusing all acknowledgement, both internally and externally. This pattern totally disowns our own assertiveness, competence, or even connection with others out of fear, and minimizes ourselves in social situations as it is uncomfortable with being celebrated or praised. This pattern can lead to unworthiness fears and feelings of not being enough.

Invisible One Details

ADAPTIVE PATTERNS Quiz

TAKE THE QUIZ

DO YOU EVER FEEL...

Fearful of being an inconvenience to others?

Uncomfortable being praised or recognized?

Compulsive desire to be overly nice or to help others self-sacrificially?

Pressured to change your communication style or even opinions to match others?

Difficulty delegating responsibilities to others?

Stuck in your career or relationships?

Perfectionist Paralysis: unable to start until you know you can do it perfectly?

Compelled to avoid attention and stay in the background?

I know the pattern.

Adaptive patterns are things we learned to do to fit in, to succeed, or even to survive. Over time, these behaviours become habitual, a natural part of the way we speak and act.

At one time or another, I've experienced all of these patterns. And so did many of the hundreds of people I've spoken to and worked with. Over time, this has caused many people to shy away from promotions, giving credit to others that they deserve, or even burning out.

Working with a psychologist, I was able to identify the 7 most common ones that get in our way. These adaptive patterns of behaviour are not personalities or identities and aren't meant to be set in stone. But by becoming aware of them, we can start asking if they are serving us.

Every strength has a shadow, and knowing how to identify the patterns and DECIDING we want to step into them allow us the ability to own them, rather than be owned by them.